Funny Happenings

   Last week was slightly hellish, this week seemed filled with funny little happenings. I don't have any pictures to document these things, and considering what they are it is probably a good thing. I will be quick with the details:

   On Tuesday Oliver jumped out of his crib. He had just woken up, we heard just a few shouts over the monitor and then a CRASH. I ran into his room and he was face down on the floor. I have no idea how he got over the side of the crib, and also no idea how he avoided smashing himself on the corner of the dresser. He seems to be uninjured though, so that is all that matters. Unfortunately about ten minutes later, he fell off my bed as well. Who says lightening won't ever strike the same place twice?

  On Thursday three things happened:
  He got bit by another kid at daycare. The teachers claim to not know exactly who did it because they didn't see it happen. But I can say from the bite mark that whoever did it has a serious set of chompers. Not all kids his age have all their teeth, but this one did. Oliver had a nasty dark red bite mark on his arm. I know kids sometimes bite, but if I find out who this tiny Hannibal Lecter is, I just might bite him back.

   The second noteworthy happening occurred that same night. He was taking his bath and took a dump in the tub. I don't need to describe it, but it was gross.

   After that unpleasantness, as I was putting his pajamas on I noticed that he has the first sprout of his first molar! Poor guy, that must have been what ruined him last week. I wish I could tell him that the worst is behind him, but I think it is only beginning. Do they make IV drips of Infant Ibuprofen?

It's just a phase, I call it "Being an Asshole."

When taking a walk,
never forget your bucket.

    This past week, Oliver has been a total asshole. I hate saying that about my sweet little dude. I'm not sure using those kinds of words to describe my child is a good parenting choice. But just between you and me, he's been a total dick this week. I am going to put my conscience at ease by prefacing this post with the statement that I never call him that to his face and I try to not use those words in his presence. TRY is all I can commit to right now. 

   I don't know what is going on with him that is causing this phase of discontent, but the dude is not pleased. I'm sure there is some reason: he just sprouted a new tooth, and there are probably more on the way. He is going through a growth spurt. He had a touch of a cold. Blah, blah, blah, isn't that how it ALWAYS is with kids? He is 16 months old, there is never a time when he hasn't had one of those things going on. If he isn't sick, he's teething, he just got shots, he crapped his pants, SOMETHING is always messing with him. Being a baby is hard. But usually he tolerates it pretty well. For example, last month he had some kind of virus and ran a fever for ten days straight and was not even half the jerk he's been this week. Usually, the kid is pretty happy.

   Not this week. From the moment he wakes up he's pissed. And I should mention, he has been waking up super early. Today I heard him awake at 4:50 AM. Usually he might wake up that early, but within a few minutes he will go right back to sleep. Not today. He yelled and screamed in his crib until I finally dragged myself from my bed to go to him at 5:30. It is serious torture to have to miss the last half hour of sleep. That last half hour is so precious, and I think the bed gets more comfortable the closer you get to your alarm going off. No use in whining about it though because Oliver is already whining and he is much better at it then me. His whining is much louder and sounds like an injured dinosaur.

ON the table is the only acceptable place
to eat one's crackers.

    The dinosaur screech has become his main mode of communication this week. Normally Oliver is quite competent verbally. He knows lots and lots of words and mimics constantly. He is good about pointing at what he wants and saying please and thank you. His thank you sounds like "hank hew," it is absolutely adorable. But not this week. Words have escaped him. All he is able to do is shriek and yell NO. He only wants things he isn't allowed to play with. He ABSOLUTELY has to play in the kitchen knife drawer or in the cabinet of heinous chemicals. And when those things aren't made available to him immediately, he screams and cries and acts like you are abusing him. When he does point at something that is safe and acceptable to play with, as soon as you hand it to him he shoves it away and shrieks NO! Then cries like you are abusing him. It is a no-win situation. I totally understand why parents give their kids horrible sweet treats or let them play with the I-pad just to get them to shut their yell-holes.

    At daycare his teachers say he is just fine. Great actually. No problems. He eats well, he sleeps well, he's a joy to have around. I know this happens a lot, its quite common actually. The kid saves his breakdowns for home and is awesome around strangers. How is this fair? I'm the one who birthed him and nurtured him with my body. I'm the one who rocks him to sleep and soothes every tear. My every waking hour revolves around him, and that is how he rewards me? I know this behavior is very natural, but that doesn't mean that its cool. I'm told that I should take it as a compliment because he feels comfortable enough with me to express his true feelings and frustrations. Talk about a shitty way to compliment someone. Imagine if adults functioned like that: "Hey best friend! I smashed your glasses and took a dump on your pillow. 'Cause I LOVE YOU!!!"

Be my chair mama.

    Lets hope this jerk phase ends quickly and my sweet funny guy comes back to me. Maybe this weekend is going to be great, or maybe I will pick him up from daycare and he will give me one of his awesome slobber-kisses and we will go home and play like we used to do. I know this is only temporary and with it comes growth and possibly new teeth. In the meantime I hope my patience holds out and make frequent stops for wine on the way home from work.